Kindness – Rick Hanson

By Rick Hanson

What do you need?

The practice :
Being nice to you is being nice to me; being nice to me is being nice to you.

Why?

I usually describe a practice as something to do: to step back, to perceive the being behind the gaze, to welcome the good, etc. This practice is different: it is something to recognize. This practice is different: it is something to recognize. This recognition will be followed by an appropriate reaction. Let me explain.

A few years ago, I was invited to speak at a conference where I was faced with the largest number of attendees I had ever had. It was a big step for me. Legendary psychologists were at the other conferences, and I was worried that I wouldn't measure up. I was nervous. Really nervous.

I sat in the back waiting for my turn, worrying about how people would see me. I thought about the best way to make a great impression and get the audience's approval. My mind was fixed on me, me, me. I felt pathetic.

Then I started reading an interview with the Dalai Lama. He was talking about the happiness of wishing the best for others. A wave of relief and peace came over me as I realized that the kindest thing I could do for myself was to stop obsessing about “me” and instead try to be of service to others.

So I gave my talk and stayed focused on what would be helpful to people rather than how I was presenting myself. I felt much more relaxed and at peace – and at the end, people stood up to cheer me on. I laughed at the irony of it: to get recognition, stop looking for it; to take care of yourself, take care of others.

This principle applies in everyday life, not just in conferences. If you feel for others and have compassion for them, you will feel better about yourself. In a relationship, one of the best ways to meet your own needs is to take as much responsibility as you can reasonably (these words are carefully chosen) for meeting the other person’s needs. Along with being kind—which is nice in itself—this is your best strategy for being treated better by others. This approach is the opposite of being a doormat; it puts you in a stronger position.

The other way around, it’s also true: Kindness to yourself is kindness to others. As your own well-being increases, you are more able to be patient, supportive, forgiving, and loving of others. To care for others, you must care for yourself, otherwise you start to run on empty. By developing happiness and other inner strengths within yourself, you have more to offer others.

Kindness to you is kindness to me; kindness to me is kindness to you. It’s a real – and beautiful – two-way street.

How?

The kindness toward others and yourself I'm talking about here is genuine and proportionate, not exaggerated or inappropriate.

In ordinary situations, take a moment here and there to recognize that if you open yourself to compassion, decency, tolerance, respect, support, kindness, or even love from others… it’s good for you, too.

See the consequences of small things. For example, earlier today at an airport, I saw a bag on the ground and was unsure whether it had been left by someone. Thinking about this practice, it was natural for my face to display a certain friendliness when I asked the man in front of me if it was his bag. He was surprised at first and seemed to feel criticized, but then he looked at me more closely, relaxed a little, and said that the bag belonged to his friend. His reaction to my kindness made me feel at ease instead of embarrassed or tense.

Imagine the other person's concerns or wishes and do what you can - as easily and naturally as possible - to accommodate them. Then see how it works out for you. Probably better than it would have been.

Also see how taking care of yourself has positive ripple effects on others. Deliberately do one small thing that nourishes you—a little rest, exercise, time for yourself—and then notice how it affects your relationships. Notice how healthy boundaries in your relationships help you avoid burning out or getting angry and ultimately needing to withdraw.

Basically, you do little experiments and let the results sink in. That's the most important part: letting the fact sink in that we are deeply connected to each other. Helping others helps you; helping yourself helps others. Likewise, hurting others hurts you; hurting yourself hurts others.

It's like we're all connected in a vast web. For better or worse, what you do to others reflects on you; what you do to yourself reflects on others.

If you can feel it in your guts and the marrow of your bones, it will change your life for the better. And it will change the lives of others for the better too.

This is a translation of an article by Rick Hanson, published on June 1, 2021. To read the original version in English, click HERE [https://www.rickhanson.net/kindness]

* “Just One Thing” is a free newsletter in which Rick Hanson shares a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and greater peace of mind and heart.
These practices are grounded in neuroscience, positive psychology, and contemplative practices. They’re simple and easy to implement, and they produce powerful results. For example, one practice asks you to take a few minutes each day to notice the small things you appreciate or are grateful for, like the smell of an orange, a friend’s smile, or your own sense of sincerity and good intentions. It may not seem like much, but research has shown that this practice improves your mood, protects you from stress, and even boosts your immune system.
We are so busy these days that it is great to have just one thing to focus on: a simple theme each week to reflect and inspire. These are personal practices: no one needs to know that you are doing them. In the meantime, you will gradually strengthen your neural pathways of happiness, love, and wisdom.

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