Polyvagal Theory in Everyday Life

"If you think about this crazy, insane world that we live in right now, where there are extremes on all sides, you can see that many people's nervous systems are highly dysregulated and that causes extreme reactions and responses."

Let's continue our journey to the discovery of Polyvagal Theory. If last time we discussed How to take ownership of the TPV (by informing ourselves, learning to know our nervous system and identifying our state), this time let's see how we can apply TPV in our relationship with others.

Cranial nerves and the social engagement system

In human relationships, whether it is a therapeutic relationship or a classic relationship (friendly, romantic, family, etc.), knowing to situate ourselves on our own scale is essential. Just as much as managing to situate the other person in front of us on their scale. Why? Because depending on where we are, our reactions will not be the same.

Let's take an example: if we know that the other is in a sympathetic state, it means that he is insecure. What to do at that moment? The first thing is to analyze if his insecurity makes us insecure. In this case, we must first take care of ourselves. Perhaps even, for a while, move away before returning to the relationship. It is about taking the time necessary to regain our own security (return to Ventral) to then be able to help our partner / loved one / patient to regain their own security.

Because if there are not two of us in the safety of the belly, then there is no possible connection, no exchange or relationship possible.

To be in a relationship with others, we must be able to mobilize all the cranial nerves that allow us to send signals of security to others: whether it be facial expressions, the quality of the gaze, the ability to filter sounds, the prosody of the voice, etc.

These are the nerves that allow us to engage socially, what Stephen Porges calls the "social engagement system." These nerves are linked to cranial nerve X (the 10th) which is the vagus nerve. It is through the social engagement system that we connect with others, and to engage this system, it is necessary to be in the safety of the ventral.

Otherwise, the relationship will be difficult or even impossible. Each person's ANS will be oriented towards survival, either through sympathetic mobilization or through immobilization, closure, or dorsal collapse. The priority is not connection but protection!

As a result, we will send danger signals to others, particularly through our social engagement system (disconnection, rejection, anger, judgment, etc.).

This is what happens when we are faced with someone who no longer shows facial expressions. It is frightening, it scares us, we tell ourselves that we are losing them or that they are judging us… Without facial expressions, we can imagine 10 things! And this makes us very insecure.

When we are in the sympathetic, we are focused on the danger: either we move away from the danger, or we have to move away from it. In this situation, we are no longer at all in a desire to communicate or send signals of safety to the other… It is even the opposite: in fact, we will rather send signals of distress or signals of aggression.

In conclusion on the first point, to be able to connect and communicate with the other, we must find their ventral state. Thus, we can bring the security that the person needs, especially if they are in sympathetic or dorsal.

Helping others find safety

Let me tell you about my office. In my office, I have a diagram on the wall with two Deb Dana ladders facing each other. When I work with a couple, each can become aware of where he or she is and can indicate this to the other:

• If both people are at the top of the ladder (in the belly), they can communicate and listen to each other's experience.
• In the middle of the scale, they are likely to argue, to drift apart and they are not in connection but in protection.
• And if both people are at the bottom of the ladder, each is on their own side, in their own insecurity: connection is impossible.

Another scenario: if one is in sympathetic and the other in dorsal, there is a risk that the first "attacks" with its energy. The other then sinks even more into its dorsal because in this state, we often cannot stand noises, we cannot stand when there is too much energy.

And conversely, the one who is in sympathetic position will have difficulty supporting a person who is in non-reaction, in immobility, because on the contrary, he wants the other to react in front. A person who is in dorsal closure will reinforce the insecurity in the other and will provoke a sympathetic attack or flight.

And the ventral in all this? If we are in our ventral, at the top of the ladder and the other is in sympathetic, then we have many resources to help him go back up the ladder following the Dorsal > Sympathetic > Ventral hierarchy.

The ventral is where we find solutions, where we can think, where the possibilities are numerous. So we will bring our resources to support the person who is dysregulated in their sympathetic (or in their dorsal) in order to bring them security. And it is possible to express this with the words: "I can take you in my arms, I am safe, I am a rock... Let yourself go, you can live your insecurity against me, because I am safe and I bring you my security."

Only by being at the top of the ladder, in the belly, can we offer this security to the other, who will then perhaps manage to climb back up his own ladder. It is finally at that moment, once both are at the top, that communication will be possible again.

Couples, the ladder and the fridge

In a relationship, being aware of the state we are in is very important. Because during an argument, we will not be able to connect (even if that is what we are looking for). Often, when we argue, it is because we want to be recognized, to be seen... We want connection, but in reality, we do exactly the opposite since both partners are generally in a sympathetic state (or are the opposite: one is hyperactive, and the other impassive) and are insecure.

Knowing this, it is important to learn to say stop and to pause. You have to know how to stop for a moment and express yourself, as much as possible: "Right now, I am in my sympathetic state and I have to regulate myself. You are in your dorsal (or sympathetic) state and you have to regulate yourself too. When we are regulated, we will be able to talk about what activated us, what made us disagree or hurt ourselves."

In other words, it is about learning to temporize and to postpone the moment. It is not easy, but it can be learned…

I have had couples in therapy who have put the diagram of the two scales on their refrigerator. And when communication between them is impossible, they ask themselves the question: "Hey, where do you stand? And where am I right now on the scale?"

Once again, it starts with oneself. If I am in the sympathetic, I will not listen to the other, so it is useless. I prefer not to stay in connection, because it is a connection that will do harm. And so I take responsibility for my state. In doing so, I authorize the other to take responsibility for his state.

The same goes for when you are angry and the other person comes in: you can show them the ladder on the fridge and say, "This is where I am." And express what you feel: "You are talking to me, but I can't hear you anymore. For reasons that have nothing to do with you, I am in dorsal mode and I can't hear you. So stop. Pause." This helps you become aware of your state, take some time for yourself, breathe and then return, when possible, to the relationship and communication.

It is valid for oneself and it is valid for the other, whether with children, with friends, with relatives or with the partner. Operating in this way brings a lot of indulgence and kindness. If we can see the other not as someone who gets angry easily, but as someone who is permanently insecure then we will have much more compassion and kindness. It will be easier to get out of judgment. The relationship will be much more serene.

Let us remember that it is not about taking charge of the other, because the other also has his responsibility for his own state. But acting in this way is helpful in order to no longer accuse or overwhelm him (because these acts reinforce the state of insecurity).

With the Polyvagal Theory we are therefore able to understand the other much better as well as all those others who are dear to us, without ever forgetting ourselves...

In the next article, we will end with the usefulness of TPV in school and in the professional world.

Series of articles “Polyvagal Theory in everyday life” by Florence Bernard.

For further :

• Our blog and its articles.
• Anchor, by Deb Dana, published by Éditions Quantum Way, the first introductory chapter of which is freely accessible in by clicking here.
• Polyvagal Theory – Introductory Module (formerly Fundamentals), a 2-hour training given by Stephen Porges and Deb Dana.
• Polyvagal Theory – Basic Module: Principles and Practice, a 4-hour training given by Deb Dana, which covers the organizing principles of Polyvagal Theory as well as practices for applying it in daily life.
• Deb Dana's latest Masterclass, The 3 organizing principles of Polyvagal Theory in practice, with practical exercises to feel hierarchy, neuroception and co-regulation.
• La video from the interview conducted with Évelyne Josse.